Dig on This

Four guys had been hired to dig this enormous ditch around a guy’s house. The guy would come out every morning and give them the money for the day. Eight hours of work. The ditch would run 200 yards out from his house, all the way around. That’s all they ever saw of him. He came out every morning and gave them each a $100 bill. He’d tell them to work till 5, take a half-hour around noon. He would say he wanted them back tomorrow, but if he saw them slacking off or leaving early, he’d just tell them to go the next day. He could find other folks who wanted a tax free, $100 day.

They spent a lot of time talking about whether or not he actually watched. They never tested him, though. The guy had an intense look about him.

He provided picks and shovels. He provided about eight big water buckets and there were hoses on both sides of his house to fill them with. They had been working outside long enough to know that you don’t really want ice cold water when you’re working all day. It feels weird. It makes you sick.

On real sunny days he brought sunscreen out, too.

The weirdest thing he provided for them, though, was the two bikes. They had these big cages on the front, built around the wheel. The top of the cage was open so that you could set large boxes or what have you in there. He had them fill up buckets with the dirt, put the buckets on the two bikes, then two of them would ride the bikes out into a little wood a half a mile down the road from the house and scatter it around the ground in those woods. That’s how he wanted it done.

“Why do you think he wants us to scatter this dirt around down there, huh?” One guy asked another.

“Eco-freak, maybe. Doesn’t want to crush no plants with a big ole hill of dirt,” the other said.

“Think he could give us a truck to do it with. Looks like he could afford it.”

“Right, man. Eco-freak. Remember?”

Now this ditch they were digging, it was going to be twenty feet wide and twelve feet deep. Probably six hundred yards square. He wanted it square. Not an ellipse or anything. A big, square ditch. Today, they men were completing the first pass around. They had ditch dug about 6 feet wide and 3 feet deep all the way around.

Two of the guys were off with bike loads, dumping dirt, while the other two talked.

“He doesn’t want a driveway at the front or anything?”

“He wants it all the way around. All the way. Says he’s just going to have a foot bridge.”

“Are we gonna build it?”

“No, I think he’s going to.”

The first guy leaned on his shovel one second. Had the tip poked in the dirt and sort of looked off. “What’s this guy think he is, a wizard?”

“Maybe he is a wizard. Wizards want ditches around their castles. Maybe he’s going to fill it up with water and put piranhas in or something?”

“Man, you think he’s a wizard?”

“No, you dumbass, I don’t think he’s a wizard.”

“Well, what if he is? Who else would think of freaky ass bikes like that? And where’s his money come from? Dude never works. Never leaves!”

“He ain’t a wizard. There ain’t no wizards. He’s an eco-freak.”

A little while later the other two guys came back and the dumb one asked them, as they were getting off their big, weird delivery bikes.

“Man, you guys think maybe we’re digging a moat for a wizard in that big ole house there?”

The taller of the two delivery guys said, “This is ditch digging, man. Ain’t no magic here so long as we’re stuck doing this stuff.”